Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
Prepare yourself for a very long winded post, which may explain why it took a bit of time to put together.
Dean uses a custom Colt M1911A1 .45 pistol throughout the series. The customisations include the distinct floral engraving, ivory grips, and chrome plating.
Back in the days of rock salt bullets, Dean frequently used a Baikal sawed-off shotgun.
After Jo’s traumatic death, Dean begins to use her Winchester Model 1887 shotgun.
Dean keeps this Desert Eagle in the trunk of the Impala, but is rarely seen using it. However, Bella and Sam have both been seen using different models of the Desert Eagle in seasons 3 and 6 respectively.
Sam’s weapon of choice is a nickel Taurus PT92 with pearl grips. While being Sam’s main gun, it doesn’t feel unfamiliar in Dean’s hands either, as he has also used it throughout the series.
Sam’s rock salt filled shotgun isan Ithaca 37.
This particular gun, a Heckler & Koch MK23, was first seen in the thigh holster of Croatoan-verse Dean in “The End”. However, Sam is seen using this model for 11 consecutive episodes in season 6 until he returns to his standard Taurus PT99.
Bobby’s go to gun is a Single Action Army with a 5.5” barrel and wood grips. Taking note of the missing fourth frame screw in front of the cylinder, suggests it is either a Cimarron or Uberti.
Ah, the infamous Colt, so important that it gets its own section. But when you have the ability to kill (almost) anything, that sort of thing is expected.
The Colt is actually a Colt Paterson 1836. What makes the Colt so special is its etched design, the pentagram carved into the wood handle, the phrase “non tiembo mala” Psalm 23:4(“I will fear no evil”) engraved on one side of the barrel, and the fact it was blessed by a high-priest. All things you should have no problem doing with your own model.
This is an airsoft version of Dean’s M1911A1, which you will have to disable before attending any cons. As you can see, making this as close to screen accurate as possible will take a lot of customisation. You can buy one here for $19.00.
Here we have a training gun the same model as Sam’s Taurus. Once again, getting the look right will take quite a bit of work. It can be purchased here for $38.60.
You can also buy a resin model kit for The Colt here, but it will cost you $80.00, which isn’t in most people’s budget.
What we suggest is making your own cosplay guns. This is because no matter how much you try to alter the pre-existing models, they will never be perfect, and it is the only way you can guarantee the level of accuracy you want without costing an arm and a leg. If you follow this lovely tutorial you should have no problem arming yourself up to the standard of the Winchesters.
I’ll never be over the fact that Dean’s gun is beautiful and delicate looking and motherfucking deadly as shit.
Emergency rations. Click this link in cases of extreme need due to: sadness, anxiety, loneliness, unrequited longing, stress, creative blockage, freckle-philia, bleakness, horniness, and general fears of an ugly world.
imagine if china, while they’re up on the moon, decides to knock down the US flag or whatever just to say ‘screw you’ and its like, what are we gonna do? spend a couple million just to fly some craft up to the moon and re-erect the flag? the whole scenario would be petty and that’s hilarious
i have lived in america my entire life and i am 100% sure we would do exactly that
Yes. We would.
Cleopatra’s Underwater Palace, Egypt
I still don’t get why no one is LOSING THEIR FUCKING SHIT OVER THIS FIND
iT SURVIVED THE EARTHQUAKE THAT LEVELED THE REST OF THE CITY IN 365 A.D.
CLEOPATRA’S FUCKING PALACE
WITH INTACT FUCKING STATUARY
NOT TO MENTION THE REST OF THE FUCKING ENTIRE GODDAMN ISLAND OF ANTIRRHODOS INCLUDING THE ANCIENT PORT OF ALEXANDRIA
AND THEY’RE GONNA BUILD A MOTHERFUCKING UNDERWATER MUSEUM
can I be a mermaid tour guide there or some shit, you don’t even have to pay me i will just live there forever oh my fucking god